Hello there, good people. I am, at long last, back on the East Coast and writing as East Coast Writers do. The past month has been crazy. I think I’ve slept in my own bed a grand total of four nights. It has been a month of wild pendulum swings between terrible and terrific but we’ll get to that in due time.
First, I had a few quick items to cover.
The Rumor Going Around
There is a certain bit of gossip about my alleged love life floating around which I have been loath to comment on. However, now that it has apparently reached the tabloids, I think it is likely best that I address it head on. It involves a certain celebrity known for her past roles on popular TV shows and her stint as the host of a long-running cooking show.
Before going on, I should note that out of respect, I reached out to the person in question directly to discuss the matter with them prior to writing this. While the bit of gossip itself borders on lunacy, I felt it important to consult with them before offering public comment. Having now done so - and having now received her approval on this post’s general content – allow me to proceed.
There is apparently a rumor circulating alleging that Valerie Bertinelli and I are romantically involved somehow… that we are dating or are a couple even.
Valerie Bertinelli!
Star of the long-running hit series’ One Day at a Time and Hot in Cleveland. The person who has won two Emmy’s and two Golden Globe Awards and hosted her own cooking show for fourteen seasons. The won who has written six books including a #1 New York Times best seller. That one.
Valerie Bertinelli… dating… me!?!
I know. Ludicrous.
How would that even fucking come to happen in real life?
“Oh, so, funny story… I was in a suburban New Jersey Panera enjoying the exclusive benefits of membership in their prestigious Sip Club recently when who should I see topping off their dark roast ahead of me? Valerie Bertinelli. Turns out she enjoys getting her morning coffee there too despite it being 2,500 miles from her home and not particularly good coffee. So, anyway, she and I get to talking… and now she’s in the Sip Club too and… I don’t know… It just feels right.”
How. Would. That. Even. Happen?
It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but it is nonetheless the rumor, and it is nonetheless circulating to the point of having taken on a life of its own.
Just yesterday, celebrity gossip outlets including Closer, Radar Online, and apparently the National Enquirer, all ran stories based on the rumor which claimed Ms. Bertinelli is dating someone new and which named me directly or alluded to me as her mysterious new love interest.
Me. The dude currently writing this in a pair of cargo pants and a t-shirt while drinking lukewarm 7/11 coffee. I am many things. A man possessing of great mystery is not one of them.
The whole thing is nuts. Nonetheless, with it getting out of hand, I figured I should say something about it. Since it felt weird to do that without at least trying to reach the other party allegedly involved here, I reached out to Ms. Bertinelli via phone yesterday and was actually able to connect with her.
She was lovely and warm and just exactly as you would imagine; and we had a humorous conversation about this whole thing.
I said “I know this is going to sound weird but… there is apparently a rumor going around that you and I are… romantically involved. I know. Where do they get this stuff? But it was apparently in a couple gossip mags today. Not sure if you are aware or care… but on my end, I feel like I should probably address it with people who read my online newsletter which is fully reader-supported and a tremendous value at only $5 per month which is a pretty good deal considering a Big Mac Combo meal costs, like, triple that now. Plus, I’ve seen no convincing peer-reviewed data proving a causal link between reading my posts and heart disease. So, there’s that… but anyway, have you heard about any of this?”
She said she had but with a little hesitation in her voice like “Where is this going?”
Feeling a little awkward, I tried to lighten it up a bit by saying “Well, if anyone would know if you and I were dating, I figured it would be you. So, just thought I’d ask…”
She laughed a real laugh not just a polite one and then added “Well, I’d think you’d probably know that too. Are we?”
I laughed back and said “Oh, you can’t ask me. I’m always the last to know these things. Plus, I’m really forgetful. I forget things. Just today, I bought a cookie at Panera and then totally forgot about it until—” but then cut myself off and asked in a very reporterly voice “Anyway, Ms. Bertinelli, any truth to the rumor you are dating me? Care to comment?”
She said “It’s true. I totally am. You’re my boyfriend.”
Then we both laughed and I said “Wow. You’d think I’d remember something like that.”
She replied “You were just here three days ago. I was the one who made you coffee. Brown hair. Remember?”
“Not ringing any bells here but I’ll take your word for it...” I said and then added “Well, I just hope you like cats… I have two.” and then texted over a picture of the two of them sitting with me.
“Those… are my cats.” she said.
“Oh, that’s sweet. Maybe someday if this works out…” I said, playing along.
And then she said “No, those are my actual cats. That’s Henry and that’s Bubba. I’m the one that took that picture.”
I said “Oh, yes, right. Well, that explains why I couldn’t find the litter box...”
She replied, “Why are you like this?”
And I said “Oh, you’re going to have to be A LOT more specific.”
Before she could reply, I added “I’m in the middle of writing something, honey. Can I call you later?”
She just laughed at me and said “fine” and then we hung up.
So, anyway, there you have it. Somewhat bonkers though it may be, the rumor is true. Valerie and I are together and have been for a while now. She was the person I was referring to in “Some Personal… News?” and in my last post (“We Interrupt This Interrupted Broadcast”) as well.
I assume nearly all of you already knew that. Well, now, you all do.
I am Valerie Bertinelli’s boyfriend… and that may well be among the most surreal sentences I’ve ever pecked out. But it’s true… and nothing about our actual relationship seems surreal. It just seems… good… lucky… a gift.
Life is crazy, kids. It just is. It’ll rain hellfire down on you for years and bring you to your knees… and then it’ll open the skies to deep blue and love and calling someone “Honey” because you just love the absolute hell out of her and feel so very thankful for the gift of that feeling, the gift of her.
So, the little rumor going around, consider it happily confirmed.
I just adore her.
I’m so glad we’re together.
How we came to be is a story. Ironically, it’s exactly what was coming next in The Last Dance series which I began a few weeks ago.
Stay tuned for the next installment within the next day. Subscribe to receive it when it goes live if you’d like.
Some Things Gonna Change ‘Round Here
Along with being in a relationship with someone of Valerie’s accomplishments and renown come certain things. Among them is increased attention. I’ve already seen a bit of that here on Substack in the form of a little uptick in signups for free subscriptions. People read about someone, get curious, and go check them out. Totally natural.
The net result is a growing community – which is good – since, I, like all writers here, rely on paid subscriptions to make a go of things. More free readers helps insofar as they might someday come to generously become paid subscribers.
So, hey, an influx of new readers… Awesome.
If you are one of them, welcome! I hope you find enough here you enjoy to stick around. While this feed centers on the often absurdly personal things I write about, my posts are often just an invitation to conversation among a pretty great little community of people who have gathered here.
I write a lot about life and loss and love; joy and grief; hardship, long tunnels with little light on the other side… and then making it through them. I’m an open book… and that often leads people to be open themselves in the comments.
Social media is such a snakepit. Somehow, this little thing we’ve built here is different. It is an oasis of good people with good hearts who are kind and caring and supportive of both me and each other.
I may be the person doing most of the writing here, but I see myself as just another person at a long table filled with kindred spirits gathered for a noisy dinner. The plates don’t match and neither does the silverware but the company is good and sometimes the food is too. I do my best.
For a guy who abruptly “decided to be a writer” a little over a year ago, I seem to be less terrible at it than a person very well could be while also not needing to clear any space on the mantle for likely future awards.
Find yourself liking the food, the place, the people… stay, eat, talk.
Find me or my writing not your cup of tea, I won’t begrudge you a bit for finding a table you enjoy more.
All I’d ask is that you help preserve what has made this place a joyful alternative to social media for most of us here: its kindness.
I have been so very blessed to have somehow amassed the community we have here. It is special and important and redeeming. It serves as a reminder that people are good and kind and care and that even in our worst suffering, we are never alone in either the experience or in enduring how it feels.
People lift each other up here. The world could use more of that.
Anyway, welcome new arrivals! Glad to have ya.
Tomorrow, I’ll resume The Last Dance series with the backstory on how Valerie and I came to be a rumor which just happened to be true.
In the meantime, the good folks down in Accounting would kill me if I didn’t close with a mention that paid subscriptions are what keeps the lights on around here.
Sign up for one today and you’ll get a free tote bag!
(No, you won’t. Also, there are no “folks down in Accounting.” There’s just me.)
My heart needed that love story. I need to write a book, too. But it wouldn’t be a Cinderella story…
So very happy for you both.