After reading 5 & 6, I feel like I'm reading the "old Hoarse". The unraveling of the "ties that bind" is sometimes necessary for real growth-real peace. Those old ties that we thought were our armor, seem to get tighter and tighter until we are almost strangled. Your unraveling has been a gift. We see that you have begun to breathe again, unbound.
We need a buffet for this table. Not only are you so extremely talented and generous to share this story but you have our heartstrings as well. No matter the outcome I know we all want peace and happy days for you with that person who is just in the other room from you every day.
Overwhelming leads to shut-down leads to countless rounds of video Mah-Jongg or Tap-Out or... something equally mindless so that the mind stops the hamster wheel. It's damned hard to get moving again, and even harder to become semi-proficient at life tasks once more. Obviously, you've gotten to the semi-proficient stage. KUDOS!!
Grief. Grief made reading and writing impossible for me. It clouded the thought process for me. It still does three years later, but now in spurts. I’m back where reading is mostly useless. But this too, shall pass
You are doing hard work, I am 81, and did my work gradually throughout my life. My patients who were adolescents into their 30’s mostly died during this time.so many deaths and funerals. Had to have a release for me and my family’s needs. Therapist was wonderful. I am now writing in a pamphlet recommended , “What your family needs to know”. All the passwords in our digital age, words of wisdom I forgot and need to pass down, what I want to give to each child and on and on. Brings back memories, and some I would have done differently , but that is how we want to be remembered. You are your way. I learn from each posting.
Recognizably ouch. "I am programmed to walk into fires affecting the people I care about but go off on my own when facing a fire myself. I’m programmed to turn my attention entirely toward fighting my own fire, and away from my own emotional and physical dashboard."
Long-distance relationships? *raises hand(s) Food for thought on that, because y'know, everything must be otherthunk at some point. I've been in two. One that required airplane travel, was almost exclusively me doing the traveling (should have been a red flag, but in the early 90's I was always on an airplane to somewhere, so what's one more flight?). Ultimately did not work out but the damage was epic. The second one was gentler if that makes sense, but it was also with someone I had known for many years.
With a (un)healthy dose of reflection, those relationships start out kinda fun...new person, new place, etc. but as you noted in the previous post, it becomes feeling book-endy. It's hard not to feel a little lonely or maybe whistful when there no regular "at the sink" moments. You focus on future events (seeing each other) and the meaning of those feels bigger because they are infrequent. I've come to realize there was a defense mechanism of sorts to not pay attention to what was (physically) nearest to me.
I was trying to remember when I came across you on Twitter. Don't recall. BUT, have and continue to appreciate what and how you write. So much is familiar and some mornings, that just makes my day a little bit easier.
I also have a long distance relationship in my history - three years distance, then moving together for two.
My experience was that the moments/days of seeing each other (in our case it was most weekends) have such heightened meaning and expectation ascribed to them, you tend to shy away of rocking the boat those days *if* there’s trouble brewing over the ocean.
You have so little time together, you don’t want to ‘ruin’ them with controversy or even a fight.
I know certain things weren’t addressed early on (which they should have been) which only then came out later on when we had moved in together.
Sure, you can talk about almost anything over the phone (or today, FaceTime - my case was pre-Facetime 🤭) , but some things you feel are better handled face2face and then you chicken out because the time together is so precious.
All this time I thought I was the only one who ranked their lobes. My frontal lobe is on a performance improvement plan, and my temporal lobe is on double secret probation.
At one point, I had plans to start a company and was leaning towards calling it Occipital. My temporal is usually like an in-house carnival. This summer, it went on a work stoppage.
Reading this on a quiet, beautiful sunny fall morning sent my mind back to a hot , steamy summer day being whipped around on the Scrambler ride at the fair. As my brain bangs back & forth in my head just reading, I can only imagine the reality you were experiencing. But the ride seems to be slowing & I feel we"ll soon be able to step off & the ground will be stable & settled. Take your time, we'll wait.
Ok wow. Honestly can’t wait for the next article. Two thoughts: expectations are the death of serenity. And long distance relationships are usually filled with expectations. Sooo hard. The pressure to be on. And second, I am just so sorry about your friends death and it’s impact on you especially in the context of trying to understand yourself/your trauma. You have your hands full.
This is probably the most vivid piece of yours that I’ve ever read.
It makes me want to sit you down and offer you something homemade and tasty and comforting… while I also maintain deep confidence in your ability to navigate these tricky waters.
It’s a pleasure and a privilege to be at this table!
After reading 5 & 6, I feel like I'm reading the "old Hoarse". The unraveling of the "ties that bind" is sometimes necessary for real growth-real peace. Those old ties that we thought were our armor, seem to get tighter and tighter until we are almost strangled. Your unraveling has been a gift. We see that you have begun to breathe again, unbound.
I adore this table.
We need a buffet for this table. Not only are you so extremely talented and generous to share this story but you have our heartstrings as well. No matter the outcome I know we all want peace and happy days for you with that person who is just in the other room from you every day.
Overwhelming leads to shut-down leads to countless rounds of video Mah-Jongg or Tap-Out or... something equally mindless so that the mind stops the hamster wheel. It's damned hard to get moving again, and even harder to become semi-proficient at life tasks once more. Obviously, you've gotten to the semi-proficient stage. KUDOS!!
Grief. Grief made reading and writing impossible for me. It clouded the thought process for me. It still does three years later, but now in spurts. I’m back where reading is mostly useless. But this too, shall pass
You are doing hard work, I am 81, and did my work gradually throughout my life. My patients who were adolescents into their 30’s mostly died during this time.so many deaths and funerals. Had to have a release for me and my family’s needs. Therapist was wonderful. I am now writing in a pamphlet recommended , “What your family needs to know”. All the passwords in our digital age, words of wisdom I forgot and need to pass down, what I want to give to each child and on and on. Brings back memories, and some I would have done differently , but that is how we want to be remembered. You are your way. I learn from each posting.
I just love your writing! ❤️
you have plenty of company, Elizabeth!
Recognizably ouch. "I am programmed to walk into fires affecting the people I care about but go off on my own when facing a fire myself. I’m programmed to turn my attention entirely toward fighting my own fire, and away from my own emotional and physical dashboard."
Long-distance relationships? *raises hand(s) Food for thought on that, because y'know, everything must be otherthunk at some point. I've been in two. One that required airplane travel, was almost exclusively me doing the traveling (should have been a red flag, but in the early 90's I was always on an airplane to somewhere, so what's one more flight?). Ultimately did not work out but the damage was epic. The second one was gentler if that makes sense, but it was also with someone I had known for many years.
With a (un)healthy dose of reflection, those relationships start out kinda fun...new person, new place, etc. but as you noted in the previous post, it becomes feeling book-endy. It's hard not to feel a little lonely or maybe whistful when there no regular "at the sink" moments. You focus on future events (seeing each other) and the meaning of those feels bigger because they are infrequent. I've come to realize there was a defense mechanism of sorts to not pay attention to what was (physically) nearest to me.
I was trying to remember when I came across you on Twitter. Don't recall. BUT, have and continue to appreciate what and how you write. So much is familiar and some mornings, that just makes my day a little bit easier.
I also have a long distance relationship in my history - three years distance, then moving together for two.
My experience was that the moments/days of seeing each other (in our case it was most weekends) have such heightened meaning and expectation ascribed to them, you tend to shy away of rocking the boat those days *if* there’s trouble brewing over the ocean.
You have so little time together, you don’t want to ‘ruin’ them with controversy or even a fight.
I know certain things weren’t addressed early on (which they should have been) which only then came out later on when we had moved in together.
Sure, you can talk about almost anything over the phone (or today, FaceTime - my case was pre-Facetime 🤭) , but some things you feel are better handled face2face and then you chicken out because the time together is so precious.
Easy trap to fall into.
I am so happy to sit at our communal table.
All this time I thought I was the only one who ranked their lobes. My frontal lobe is on a performance improvement plan, and my temporal lobe is on double secret probation.
At one point, I had plans to start a company and was leaning towards calling it Occipital. My temporal is usually like an in-house carnival. This summer, it went on a work stoppage.
I am holding my breath and hope you feel much better as you are writing this.
I do. Couldn’t write it if I hadn’t found my way through.
Waiting for more ......pkeaseeeee
Reading this on a quiet, beautiful sunny fall morning sent my mind back to a hot , steamy summer day being whipped around on the Scrambler ride at the fair. As my brain bangs back & forth in my head just reading, I can only imagine the reality you were experiencing. But the ride seems to be slowing & I feel we"ll soon be able to step off & the ground will be stable & settled. Take your time, we'll wait.
Would someone please pass the donuts and coffee so I can better cope? Everything about this has my inner empath on high alert.
<*hands over freshly brewed coffee and some sugar-glazed donuts*> ❤️
Ok wow. Honestly can’t wait for the next article. Two thoughts: expectations are the death of serenity. And long distance relationships are usually filled with expectations. Sooo hard. The pressure to be on. And second, I am just so sorry about your friends death and it’s impact on you especially in the context of trying to understand yourself/your trauma. You have your hands full.
This is probably the most vivid piece of yours that I’ve ever read.
It makes me want to sit you down and offer you something homemade and tasty and comforting… while I also maintain deep confidence in your ability to navigate these tricky waters.
It’s a pleasure and a privilege to be at this table!